I've been writing all day. It feels good. I have all of these thoughts and feelings that I need to get out and I just feel so much better with a couple extra thoughts out of my head. Something I can't get out of my head though, is the fact that I'm nearly positive I have my first post Josue crush. It's a little bit terrifying, to be honest. With Josue I put all of my feelings out there, trusting him with everything I had, and now he's gone. So I guess the idea of like, just putting myself out there again freaks me out. I don't really know what to do.  I thought I was being pretty straightforward with this person, and obvious about my feelings, but maybe he's completely oblivious, I don't know. Or maybe he's just choosing to ignore it. That's always a possibility too. It's a sucky possibility, but it's there. So, I don't know. I'm clearly a confused mess.

I start my discipleship this upcoming week. I'm so pumped. I need it.

Stupid me got all of five hours asleep because I couldn't put my computer down. So now I get to be tired and sickly all day.

After several hours I finally figured out how to customize my mac, use iphoto, and download applications. Today was a good day. Tomorrow will be full of laundry.

I got a MacBook today! It's awesome. I'm very entertained. And it just seems better than a PC. Yeah. Idk why, it just is. And I'm excited because the fan isn't on the bottom so it doesn't seem like it's going to die anytime soon like my HP. So, yay! And I'm happy with the Oscar results, and think that the finale was perfection.

Today was good. Spent it around my favorite people, and had a good time. Got back to driving too, which is always an awesome thing. So, yeah, all in all, good stuff and I'm pretty happy.

Feeling a lot better today than I did yesterday. Going to try to go to Wally's again. Maybe see some people that I thought I was going to see yesterday. Maybe... we'll see.

Tonight has the potential to be really fantastic. Let's see if I can go without screwing it up. And NOT get disappointed if a certain someone doesn't show up. And yeah. That's pretty much it.

Oh, and I decided that I'm going to lose 10 pounds. Counting calories and everything. I'm actually pretty pumped about it. I think I can lose that much in a few weeks, plus get a little not toned. That's the big thing, I used to be really toned and tiny. Now I'm not and it sucks.

I took some Vicodin, it helped my back pain so so much. So, I'm starting to feel a little better. I'm happy about that. Another lazy day I think.

Today isn't getting any better. I feel worse than I did earlier. I hate Fibromyalgia so much.

I'm super close to feeling like I'm going to pass out again. This is miserable.

Today I feel sick, and I'm in a ton of pain, and I'm in a horrible mood. It's really not a good combination at all. I can't get how I've been feeling off my mind, even though I absolutely want to. I don't understand why I keep dwelling on things that have no chance of happening.

I am very frustrated right now. I sometimes care to much, and I think it's one of those times right now, and I'm kind of wanting to punch myself. Ugghhh. I wish today could've just not made me feel like shit.

Today was sort of poop. I don't even know what happened. I'm not sure if it was just me, or if it was the people who were making me feel that way. And it's guys. I don't even know why I bother. It's such a waste of energy.

It's amazing to me how sometimes the people that you least expect have been through some of the most amazing, horrendous, life changing things. And they hide it so well.

My audition today went as well as I think it could've. I felt like I was getting good vibes back from the casting people, so that's always good. Now it's time to get ready for this snowstorm that's coming. Not excited at all.

Audition! Just a few hours away! So pumped!

TobyMac is amazing. How I've never listened to this stuff before is beyond me.

I have an audition tomorrow, and I'm feeling so pumped. This is going to be my first foray back into acting since everything happened and I'm definitely feeling ready for it. I get to be pretty bad a** for the day, so, I'm excited about that. I'll get to get some angst out. Lol. I've decided to rock an Effy (Skins) look for the day. I think it's going to work out nicely.

On a completely different note, I've been having so many feelings that I don't know what to do with. This weird combination of my heart saying "Okay, it's time to move on." and my head telling me I'm nowhere near ready. Like, I keep telling myself I'm supposed to be sad, but, I don't want to be anymore. I really don't.

Right now everything sucks. Yep. Everything.

Part of me feels like the healing process has finally begun, and part of me feels I have no clue what healing is.