I've been thinking about Josue constantly, and with that and the horrible fibromyalgia flare up that I've been enduring for almost a week now, I'm miserable. I pray to God but as a "baby Christian" as my mentor calls me, I truly believe that this is one of those times when I'm being tested, to see where I'm putting my blame, and how much strength that I have. But it's hard. It's really hard. I've gotten to the end of the day and all I want to do is cry.

Never in my life did I think that I would ever be able to feel God's love. But now, I can honestly say that I do, and it's so much better than any other feeling that I've ever experienced.

Rocking out to music I'd be way to embarrassed to admit I listen to.

The past two days have been...interesting, to say the least.

Today is chill. Feeling much better than I did. I'm going to go visit my cousins later with my Grandma, and my cousin from NYC is here too. So, lots of family stuff going on!

I got sick today. Really sick. It was gross. And I still feel gross. POTs is horrible.

I got sick today. Really sick. It was gross. And I still feel gross. POTs is horrible.

Taking my depression medication really does wonders.

I had a very productive day. Re-did my room. It looks pretty awesome. :)

Today the plan is to stay in bed, and not talk to anyone. My heart hurts, and I just have no desire to feel anymore pain. I'm so sick of everything being messed up. My life is ridiculous, and I don't understand why I have to be the one of the ones to suffer. I just don't get it. And I'm just so close to like, really self destructive tendencies and it's bad. Really bad. And I just don't even know what to do anymore.

I hate myself. Officially. Hate. I can't stand myself right now. I really can't.

Apparently I also had to do with Josue's suicide. Im glad people are finally letting me know how they really feel.

Apparently I'm a selfish bitch. I thought friends were supposed to be supportive, even when you screwed up, but I guess not. I seriously hate myself right now and want to throw up.

I hate those days when you wake up thinking that it's going to be one way and then something happens and completely flips it around and you're left feeling completely lost and overwhelmed.

Had Red Lobster for dinner. It was good, as always. Other than that the day was pretty dull. May go over to Wally's later so my Grandma can meet her. Just waiting for her to text me..

They found the letters that I wrote to Josue back when we first got together. I'm so happy. I thought that they would never find them.