Wow, long time no post.

So, I'm kind of appalled at how horribly I've kept up with this blog. A lost has changed in the past two months, a whole lot. For one, I'm not going to New York Film Academy. I went to the school, and it was a complete joke. When the professor even agrees with the students about running the other direction, you know you shouldn't go there. I was so disappointed, but glad that I went to sit it on a class before putting down my deposit. So now, I'm applying to schools all over again and praying to God that I'm accepted into one of them.

On a more positive, note, I met the most amazing guy. I mean, truly just amazing. I've never met anyone who understands me the way that he does and I don't know that I ever will. His name is Alex and he's the greatest. The only thing that sucks so far is that he lives in New York City, and I live in Virginia. I actually got to spend five days with him and just took him to catch his bus back to the city a few hours ago. I miss him terribly, but I'm so glad I got to spend as much time as I did with him. And in November we're going on a 10 day Florida vacation, which is going to be amazing, I'm sure.

So now I have to get used to being alone again. Church helps though. Well, it's not really church, it's like, youth outreach and bible study classes and stuff, but still, I'm meeting new people, which is really great. And I think anytime you read the bible, you're given so many opportunities to learn new things about yourself and re-evaluate how you're living. And right now in my life, it's the perfect time to be re-evaluating things.

On a completely random note, I got a new camera, and I'm in love. It's not a Nikon, because those are insanely expensive, but it is a FUJIFILM, and it's been really great so far. I've had a blast taking pictures with it. I can't wait until to capture the leaves falling and the cooler weather. Fall is my favorite.

Anyways, I'm kind of tired. Gonna go be a nerd and read some more Harry Potter (I'm reading all of the books from Sorcerer's Stone again) and then I'll probably hit the sheets.

I found out today that I was accepted into the acting program at New York Film Academy. I'm so happy!

I love the acting business. I really do. But you know what? Getting audition information the night before is so exhausting. Like, tomorrow I have a film audition in the morning, voice rehearsal all evening, and the next day I have a six hour dance rehearsal. Oh, and I woke up this morning with my throat on fire and my body aching. Ughhh. Things have been crazy.

Today was really fantastic. I had four hours of Hairspray today. I got made one of the three "Dynamites", found out I'm going to double as ensemble, AND, I was made a dance captain. So, right now I seriously feel like I'm on fire. Lol. I'm completely exhausted now though. Icing my legs so that I'll be able to move tomorrow when we go to visit family. Hopefully it will be a drama free day tomorrow. We'll see.

I believe that in the near future I will be getting involved in a showmance. Just saying.

Actually, that won't happen because apparently I'm mostly invisible.

I got cast in Hairspray! Now off to Baltimore for another audition. :)

Film audition tomorrow! I missed it today so my agent got me in for tomorrow! Hopefully it goes well!

I'm pretty sure I'm being lied to. I don't understand why people can't just be honest. If you don't want to do something, just say so. Don't be a douche about it.

Hairspray auditions were awesome. Had a really good time. I find out Tuesday or Wednesday I think. After auditions we came down to my mom's boyfriends house. His son's GF is here and I'm seriously about to punch her teeth out. I'm not a violent person, but my God. She's horrible. And we're spending the night and I'm going to go crazy if I have to listen to her all night.

On a happier note my love from Tennessee is coming. I adore that boy. Seriously the only person I can have a completely honest conversation with. If he wasn't gay I'd marry him. Lol. I'm so happy he's spending part of his summer here!

Hairspray audition tomorrow. I'm scared. As of today I'm officially a twitter addict, and words with friends is amazing. That is all. I've also set an 11:30 bedtime for myself. I've barely slept lately. It's horrible.

Why on earth do some people insist on being so obnoxious? I mean, I understand if you don't like me. That's fine, I don't like you either, but don't be a possessive jerk. We can all be civil towards one another.

And why oh why is my only really good friend that I can be completely honest with out of state? Why? It's just not fair.

I'm starting to apply to schools. AMDA, Marymount Manhattan, and The New School. We'll see what happens.

I love that my old teachers are trying to help me find a couch to stay on sunday night. Gotta love them!

My ride situation to get to the city seriously blows right now, so, it looks like I'm going by myself. And then I'll meet Courtney at the bus stop and she'll get me to where I need to be. I'm terrified.

On a better note, sang for my mom last night, and she was like, impressed. Which made me super happy because she's an incredibly harsh critic. So, she really wants me to go to these auditions. So, I'm praying that I can work things out, but I feel like this is a perfect opportunity to show that I'm ready to fight for this.

I am auditioning for the national tour of Shrek the Musical on Monday. And then I have auditions for Hairspray on Saturday. Getting headshots done this Thursday. Have a voice lesson on Wednesday. The person who is choreographing Shrek choreographed How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, which my friend Joey is currently in on Broadway, and my voice teachers wife (Jeanine Tesori) wrote the music for the show. So, I'm super excited, and shocked that I have these crazy connections.

I just vented about all sorts of crap on my tumblr, which is supposed to be what this is for. I guess I was looking for sympathy.

Instead of obsessing over something, I took action. And guess what? I feel a lot better now. Still haven't really gotten any result from it but doing something is always better than nothing, right?

I'd just like to say that I am so incredibly sick of being screwed over by guys. And it sucks, because at the same time I feel really lonely. And it just seems like things are going to be stuck this way forever and it makes me really sad. And I feel like crying. I want someone to love me for real. I don't want to be alone anymore.

A dream of mine may be coming true. Thank you God for all of these blessings.

I'm going back to dance! The reconditiong is killing me though.

I'm super anxious... Getting transferred to rehabilitation for a week or two. I don't want to go at all. My mom's making me. I'm going to be all alone.

It's day four in the hospital. Still no relief. This is so ridiculous. I just want to feel better.. No one seems to understand fibromyalgia and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome.

I got admitted to the hospital. Nothing seems to help. :/

I hate waiting. It makes me super anxious.

I've been thinking about Josue constantly, and with that and the horrible fibromyalgia flare up that I've been enduring for almost a week now, I'm miserable. I pray to God but as a "baby Christian" as my mentor calls me, I truly believe that this is one of those times when I'm being tested, to see where I'm putting my blame, and how much strength that I have. But it's hard. It's really hard. I've gotten to the end of the day and all I want to do is cry.

Never in my life did I think that I would ever be able to feel God's love. But now, I can honestly say that I do, and it's so much better than any other feeling that I've ever experienced.

Rocking out to music I'd be way to embarrassed to admit I listen to.

The past two days have been...interesting, to say the least.

Today is chill. Feeling much better than I did. I'm going to go visit my cousins later with my Grandma, and my cousin from NYC is here too. So, lots of family stuff going on!

I got sick today. Really sick. It was gross. And I still feel gross. POTs is horrible.

I got sick today. Really sick. It was gross. And I still feel gross. POTs is horrible.

Taking my depression medication really does wonders.

I had a very productive day. Re-did my room. It looks pretty awesome. :)

Today the plan is to stay in bed, and not talk to anyone. My heart hurts, and I just have no desire to feel anymore pain. I'm so sick of everything being messed up. My life is ridiculous, and I don't understand why I have to be the one of the ones to suffer. I just don't get it. And I'm just so close to like, really self destructive tendencies and it's bad. Really bad. And I just don't even know what to do anymore.

I hate myself. Officially. Hate. I can't stand myself right now. I really can't.

Apparently I also had to do with Josue's suicide. Im glad people are finally letting me know how they really feel.

Apparently I'm a selfish bitch. I thought friends were supposed to be supportive, even when you screwed up, but I guess not. I seriously hate myself right now and want to throw up.

I hate those days when you wake up thinking that it's going to be one way and then something happens and completely flips it around and you're left feeling completely lost and overwhelmed.

Had Red Lobster for dinner. It was good, as always. Other than that the day was pretty dull. May go over to Wally's later so my Grandma can meet her. Just waiting for her to text me..

They found the letters that I wrote to Josue back when we first got together. I'm so happy. I thought that they would never find them.

I've been writing all day. It feels good. I have all of these thoughts and feelings that I need to get out and I just feel so much better with a couple extra thoughts out of my head. Something I can't get out of my head though, is the fact that I'm nearly positive I have my first post Josue crush. It's a little bit terrifying, to be honest. With Josue I put all of my feelings out there, trusting him with everything I had, and now he's gone. So I guess the idea of like, just putting myself out there again freaks me out. I don't really know what to do.  I thought I was being pretty straightforward with this person, and obvious about my feelings, but maybe he's completely oblivious, I don't know. Or maybe he's just choosing to ignore it. That's always a possibility too. It's a sucky possibility, but it's there. So, I don't know. I'm clearly a confused mess.

I start my discipleship this upcoming week. I'm so pumped. I need it.

Stupid me got all of five hours asleep because I couldn't put my computer down. So now I get to be tired and sickly all day.

After several hours I finally figured out how to customize my mac, use iphoto, and download applications. Today was a good day. Tomorrow will be full of laundry.

I got a MacBook today! It's awesome. I'm very entertained. And it just seems better than a PC. Yeah. Idk why, it just is. And I'm excited because the fan isn't on the bottom so it doesn't seem like it's going to die anytime soon like my HP. So, yay! And I'm happy with the Oscar results, and think that the finale was perfection.

Today was good. Spent it around my favorite people, and had a good time. Got back to driving too, which is always an awesome thing. So, yeah, all in all, good stuff and I'm pretty happy.

Feeling a lot better today than I did yesterday. Going to try to go to Wally's again. Maybe see some people that I thought I was going to see yesterday. Maybe... we'll see.

Tonight has the potential to be really fantastic. Let's see if I can go without screwing it up. And NOT get disappointed if a certain someone doesn't show up. And yeah. That's pretty much it.

Oh, and I decided that I'm going to lose 10 pounds. Counting calories and everything. I'm actually pretty pumped about it. I think I can lose that much in a few weeks, plus get a little not toned. That's the big thing, I used to be really toned and tiny. Now I'm not and it sucks.

I took some Vicodin, it helped my back pain so so much. So, I'm starting to feel a little better. I'm happy about that. Another lazy day I think.

Today isn't getting any better. I feel worse than I did earlier. I hate Fibromyalgia so much.

I'm super close to feeling like I'm going to pass out again. This is miserable.

Today I feel sick, and I'm in a ton of pain, and I'm in a horrible mood. It's really not a good combination at all. I can't get how I've been feeling off my mind, even though I absolutely want to. I don't understand why I keep dwelling on things that have no chance of happening.

I am very frustrated right now. I sometimes care to much, and I think it's one of those times right now, and I'm kind of wanting to punch myself. Ugghhh. I wish today could've just not made me feel like shit.

Today was sort of poop. I don't even know what happened. I'm not sure if it was just me, or if it was the people who were making me feel that way. And it's guys. I don't even know why I bother. It's such a waste of energy.

It's amazing to me how sometimes the people that you least expect have been through some of the most amazing, horrendous, life changing things. And they hide it so well.

My audition today went as well as I think it could've. I felt like I was getting good vibes back from the casting people, so that's always good. Now it's time to get ready for this snowstorm that's coming. Not excited at all.

Audition! Just a few hours away! So pumped!

TobyMac is amazing. How I've never listened to this stuff before is beyond me.

I have an audition tomorrow, and I'm feeling so pumped. This is going to be my first foray back into acting since everything happened and I'm definitely feeling ready for it. I get to be pretty bad a** for the day, so, I'm excited about that. I'll get to get some angst out. Lol. I've decided to rock an Effy (Skins) look for the day. I think it's going to work out nicely.

On a completely different note, I've been having so many feelings that I don't know what to do with. This weird combination of my heart saying "Okay, it's time to move on." and my head telling me I'm nowhere near ready. Like, I keep telling myself I'm supposed to be sad, but, I don't want to be anymore. I really don't.

Right now everything sucks. Yep. Everything.

Part of me feels like the healing process has finally begun, and part of me feels I have no clue what healing is.

This is my new puppy. Her name is Sookie, like from 

True Blood. She's a doll. 

Things are really rough right now. But I keep trying to tell myself everything is going to be okay, even though it doesn't feel like it.

The past few days have been the worst of my life. The one guy I loved more than anything in the world committed suicide, and I'm devastated, and have no idea what to do with myself anymore.

My ex boyfriend killed himself yesterday around 5 or so. I can honestly say I've never loved someone as much as I love him. In the end things were really bad with us, and we would fight all the time but I think he was trying to push me away, so that when he did it, it wouldn't hurt so much for me. Like, it was his way of protecting me. I'm completely devestated and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. He was technically my ex after all, but I think a lot of the issue, now looking back, was that he had made up his mind. And now everyone who loves him is left to deal with the consequences.

I'm watching American Idol for the first time since Kelly Clarkson won. Stars on the boobs, really? WTF?

i just got the iPad keyboard, and I absolutely love it. Makes things on here so much easier. Oh, and I got "Easy A", which is awesome. Lol. Love this movie sooo much.

I just watched Now & The. Completely forgot how muc I love that movie and Christina Ricci in it. Definitely one of those must see 90's films.

My favorite Golden Globes outfits of the night: Anne Hathaway in Armani, January Jones in Versace, and Lea Michele in Oscar de la Renta. :)

"It seems that everything this year was three dimensional. Except the characters in ‘The Tourist.’…I feel bad about that joke. I didn't even see ‘The Tourist.’ Who did?”

--- Host Ricky Gervais opens the 2011 Golden Globe Awards

The Golden Globes this year are making me so happy. 

I feel so crappy today. Not going to go out like I was supposed to because my body decided to give me a big bad fibro flare up today. So, that means I will be sitting at home watching the critics choice awards (I was too busy to watch earlier in the week) and misfits, if I can figure out the whole HDMI thing. Fun fun fun.

I feel like such an idiot. I have 13 things I need to update on windows, and I ignored it so many times that now I can't update any of them, and so I can't download Windows Movie Maker, and it's making me really sad right now. So, now I don't know what to do.

I slept in until about half an hour before I had to get out of the door this morning, so i didn't really have a lot of time to put anything fantastic together. So, I basically just pulled some neutrals and threw on a pair of heels and was ready to go. So, this is what I came up with. I am so in love with that bag. I never thought I'd buy anything labeled "Jessica Simpson", but you would've never known if I didn't tell you. Oh, and that headband. The beading on it is fantastic. Definitely a new favorite accessory. 

It really bothers me when people who choose to smoke complain about not being able to smoke in restaurants, and then when you bring up the fact that you don't particularly want your risk of cancer to increase due to smoke inhalation, they freak out and tell you that won't happen. WTF? Alright, end rant. Other than that dinner was awesome. Went to Red Lobster.

Spending the day visiting family, and hopefully going to Macy's at some point. I need some more foundation. I've been using Neutregena. Which is awesome but I went through it really fast. So yeah. We'll see.

I drew this when I was at Walter Reed the other day, on my iPad. Very surprised it turned out halfway decent.

Here's some pictures of my lovely headband find today. 

It reminds me of the one Effy wears in Skins Gen 2 during 

Thomas' party scene at the club. Needless to say it made 

me very, very happy. (: 

I went shopping today and got some pretty great stuff. Three headbands from Charlotte Russe, a Jessica Simpson bag, a belt, a sweater and a top from 21 Forever, and a laptop bag (also from 21 Forever? I was shocked). Oh, and a bunch of earrings. Lol. It was a productive day.

I really need to get my sleep together. I say I'm going to go to bed at 12. Ha, it's 2:46. Jokes on me I guess. And tomorrow I know I'm going to wake up and feel really horrible.

Why do first post always have to be so awkward? Ughh. Well, I actually had a blog on here like two years ago, and then I switched to tumblr. But, My tumblr has turned into a crazy picspam site, which is fun, but sometimes I like to write, and talk about my day, and just life in general, you know? So, that's what I plan on doing here. There will be pictures sometimes, and video's even, since I just got a new flip cam and I'm really obsessed with it. So yeah, that's all for now until I figure this thing out.